16
Aug
12

Enter rant, stage right

LabRat writes about something that pisses me all the fuck off.  Namely, she takes the piss out of this common advice:

Hey, fatties!  Why do you persist in being so fat?  It must be because you’re morally inadequate!  After all we solved fatness way back with Ancel Keyes in the ’60s.  All you have to do is eat lots of carbs, cut back on dietary fat and cholesterol, and waste half your waking hours in low-intensity steady-state jogging like everyone’s been doing for the past forty years.  Oh, rates of obesity have been going up since we started telling you to eat more carbs and less fat and jog instead of sprint?  It must be because you haven’t been listening, you fatties, because obviously if youlistened to caring people likeus you  wouldn’t have been cursed by fatness in the first place.  Anything that goes wrong with our prescribed plan isobviously due to poor adherence.  Because you fatties, being fat, clearly can’t adhere to our obviously correct diets.  Even if you have been trying to do so for ever (or the last fifty years, whichever comes first).

Christ’s quivering tits.  Does anyone actually believe that shit?

Jesus what.

Look, I appreciate Ms. Obama’s efforts to get folks to eat a bit better, and I don’t begrudge her the occasional cheeseburger because if you can hew to an eating plan that works for you — and spoiler warning for that Atomic Nerds link above, “an eating plan that works for you” will depend on a whole fuck-ton of metabolic variables and probably won’t last more than a few months if you’re actually making progress — for 90% of your meals you’re well on your way to whatever body composition you desire.  But holy fucking orthorexia batman, yelling at an Olympic gymnast for eating a fucking Egg McMuffin, on national TV,  just murders the whole idea of “90% compliance is great” and teaches the fucking world that only absolute purity is possible.  You horrible person.  Anyone who eats on a vaguely normal scale gets something like 21 meals a week.  Get 18 of them right — that’s 6 days a week, for example — and you’re way ahead of the curve.  Get 15 of them right and you’re doing a great job.  So that means if you defy the autoapotheosizing First Lady and eat a fucking Egg McMuffin every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning — oh my fucking god you’re doing a great job!  Don’t stop!

Michelle Obama wants to shame you into hating your body and developing an eating disorder because even winning a fucking Olympic gold medal is insufficient justification — in her hateful perverse narrow orthorexic mind — for eating a single meal you might oh my god enjoy.  As you can tell that attitude makes me very fucking angry.  The hell with her.  Eat great six days this week and eat whatever the fuck you want thrice or more after your lifting.  And if you do, why not join me in five or six too many beers?  If you know enough about alcohol metabolism you won’t fear getting lucking foaded… and it’s in a good cause, because fuck the peddlers of orthorexia!

(Hey, wait a minute… “Peddlers of Orthorexia” would be a great name for a band.)

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3 Responses to “Enter rant, stage right”


  1. August 16, 2012 at 06:45

    Damned Eloi. Screw’em.

  2. 3 Not Sure
    August 19, 2012 at 16:05

    Everybody knows that having your husband elected president automatically invests you with the intelligence and knowledge necessary to run other peoples’ lives for them better than they can themselves.

    Right?


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