Happy birthday to me

So I’m sitting back, eating steak, drinking bourbon, and skimming my RSS feed for easy topics to blog about when I hear a–

*knock, knock, knock*

–on my door.

I get up from Jason Kuznicki’s intro guest post at The Agitator and look through the peephole, only to cast my eyes upon a rather corpulent individual in a Mk. 1 mod 0 standard-issue Toronto grey flannel suit.  White shirt.  Red tie.

“Who is it, please.”  Not a question.  In American that translates to “fuck off I’m armed”, but I’m (sometimes regrettably) possessed of a very Canadian politeness.

“It’s the Government of Canada” comes the reply.  “Can I come in?”

Second look through the peephole.  Big as this guy is, he’s not big enough to be the whole .gc.ca by a long shot.  Oh, now that makes sense — it’s just the majority party.  None of the Loyal Opposition, certainly this fellow isn’t carrying any of the bureaucracy around his beltline or he wouldn’t fit in the building.  Either way, not a welcome houseguest.

“You have the wrong apartment,” I answer.  Think for a second about what I’ve been reading on the internet.  “And I don’t have any dogs.”

“Mr. Bluntobject?  I brought you something.  For your birthday, I mean.  Can we just talk?”

Oh, christ.  I open the door.

There he is, grinning like an imbecile and wearing a sweatervest under the suit coat.  Looking very pleased with himself.  And proffering an envelope made of gaudy wrapping paper.

“It’s your birthday, so I got you something nice.”  He waggles the envelope.  “Go on, take it!  Open it!”

I hook my thumbs into my pockets, cock my head to one side.  “That’s not an order of rendition to Syria, by chance?”

Government looks puzzled, and very sincere all of a sudden.  “Huh?  Aren’t you white?”

“Last I checked, yeah.”

“Then you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.”

I raise an eyebrow.  “Just like Ian Bush?”

Government gets impatient.  “What, are you one of those G20 anarchists or something?”

“Not just yet, no.”

A vein throbs on his forehead.  “Look, in the past, mistakes were made.  By somebody — you know, shit happens, right?  Anyway, I got you this because I think you’ll like it, it’s not violent at all, just open it and have a look, okay?  It’s a new piece of legislation that just took effect today and I think you’ll be really pleased.”

Canadian politeness.  I take the envelope and tear it open.  And gasp–

“You really did it.”

Government beams.  “Yep!  We got rid of the Canadian Wheat Board’s monopsony on wheat and barley.  I knew you’d like it!”

Okay, I admit it, I’m impressed.  “I didn’t expect you to know what ‘monopsony’ even means.”

Government shrugs.  “I don’t.  Eric Crampton told me to say it.”

Well, close enough.

“I have to say, I’m really impressed.  Well done, sir.”  And, so help me, I hold out my hand.  He grabs it and shakes it vigorously with both of his.

Government grins toothily, an enthusiastic light growing in his widening eyes.  “And with the economic growth this’ll generate across the prairies, we’ll be able to afford to build dozens of new prisons for our–”


Well, it was nice while it lasted.


3 Responses to “Happy birthday to me”

  1. August 2, 2012 at 15:12

    Happy birthday!

    Strangely, it was also my brother’s birthday, and two of my wife’s co-workers.

    One of them got a nice party with friends, and, uh, the other one got a huge chunk of her face ripped off by a dog. But she came out of surgery ok.

  2. July 29, 2013 at 21:32

    Everything is very open with a really clear explanation of the issues.
    It was really informative. Your website is extremely
    helpful. Thank you for sharing!

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