A tale of hoplophobic one-upmanship

Recall that way back in 2006 a British sports fan was accosted by the plods for carrying a cricket ball (presumably without a permit), as a “hard object” could be used as a weapon or even accidentally dropped on someone.  Well, a Torontonian school has finally gotten around to one-upping that act of insipid hoplophobia:

A letter issued on Monday from the administration at Earl Beatty Jr. and Sr. Public School states that kids can’t bring or play with any kind of hard ball – i.e. soccer balls, footballs, volleyballs or tennis balls, according to a CTV report.


The temporary ban was made after parents voiced concerns over the safety of the traditional playthings.

Apparently, the school has had some serious incidents “where students, staff or parents were hit, or nearly hit, by a hard ball on school property,” reports CTV.

The CBC reports that this ban was instigated when a parent was hit in the head by a soccer ball and suffered a concussion.  I think the school should ban oblivious idiots instead, but I’m one of those heartless libertarians that Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee keep complaining about.

Of course, the mother country has a zero-tolerance policy for this sort of colonial impertinence.  We’ve quickly been one-upped:

Marisa Zoccolan, 31, popped into the new Asda supermarket close to her home in Wallsend, North Tyneside, to pick up some groceries, including the citrus fruits.

But when she tried to pay for them at the self-service checkout, the message ‘amount exceeded, authorisation required’ flashed up.

An assistant then came over and told her that more than one lime was deemed a weapon – because the citric acid could be squirted in someone’s eye.

God dammit, Demolition Man was not repeat not an instruction manual!

Update: According to Asda, I’ve been trolled:

A spokeswoman for Asda said Ms Zoccalan would be offered some ‘complimentary limes’ as an apology.

‘We know that sometimes health and safety rules can seem a bit plum crazy, but on this occasion it’s a case of one of our colleagues indulging their sub-lime sense of humour,’ she said.

‘For some reason our tills are having trouble scanning multiple citrus fruits.

‘We’re working to fix the problem, but it seems our colleague tried to make light of the issue.’

For all that this makes sense, I’m not sure if it’s an honest explanation or just a bit of ass-covering after the chain made a fool of itself.  Per the principle of charity, let’s give this one to the latter.


3 Responses to “A tale of hoplophobic one-upmanship”

  1. 1 Not Sure
    November 23, 2011 at 17:39

    One would hope the ban includes pens and pencils, then. Could be used to stab someone, don’t you know? And I don’t even know what to think about all those hardcover books in the library.

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