Die, you fat ugly pretentious fucker

And burn in hell:

The PT began its life under both Chrysler and the now-defunct Plymouth brand. Remember 1999? Back then, SUVs and big pickups were the hottest thing on the planet — an automaker couldn’t put out a bad one, no matter how ridiculous, unreliable or fuel-hungry it was. That’s where the PT Cruiser came in.


In 2008, the neglect really began to show. The PT received the unwanted title of Most Dangerous New Small Car in America from the IIHS as safety regulations passed the PT by while no engineering money came its way. That same year, rather than making any substantive engineering improvements, Chrysler unveiled its fifth Dream Cruiser special edition. And that’s how it’s been for the last few years: sticker and trim packages on a rapidly aging, increasingly incentivized, once-popular car.

If I sound bitter about the PT Cruiser, it’s because I am. The PT Cruiser is an uninspiring and uninspired car, catering to people who like to think of themselves as whimsical free spirits but who’ve trapped themselves in the overcautious mundane.  (“Look how many generic retro styling cues my front-wheel-drive inline-four slushbox has!”)  It is a shining beacon of mauvaise foi; a gaudy, marshmallow-like affront to everything focused and functional about the automobile.

What makes things worse is that it was a great car — the damn thing sold like nobody’s business and doubtless made its equally gaudy and marshmallow-like drivers very happy for a few years.  It’s garish and tacky, but so are Crocs, and demonstrated preference makes both of ’em sincere successes.  I may consider the PT Cruiser to be a technical and moral disaster, but objectively speaking it was an entirely satisfactory solution to many people’s automotive problems.

And now it’s dead.


2 Responses to “Die, you fat ugly pretentious fucker”

  1. 1 williamthecoroner
    July 11, 2010 at 06:56

    Yanno, when Kochanski got t-boned and was no longer street legal, I bought one of these. Petie was from Enterprise Rental Car. It was older, it had no rust on the rocker bottoms like Kochanski did, and I can haul a lot of stuff with really good gas mileage. And I can get a body in it if I need to.

    Not bad for 150/month, and better gas mileage. OK, yeah, I’d like the 1950 caddy ambulance. I don’t want to fuck with keeping it running or the gas costs. I liked my rental truck. I live in a city, I have no need for a full-size pickup truck, nor do I like 15 miles to the gallon. But it was FUN.

    Bottom line, though, the car gets me around cheaply and reliably. Works out fine.

    • July 11, 2010 at 11:51

      Bottom line, though, the car gets me around cheaply and reliably. Works out fine.

      There ya go.

      I’m a bit surprised that you’re getting good mileage from a PT Cruiser, as one of the most common complaints I’ve read about the thing is that its 2.4l I4 just didn’t have the grunt to move the 3000+lb thing around at anything approaching the efficient part of its powerband. Did you get one of the turbocharged models? Forced induction makes everything better.

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