17
Dec
09

OH ASTON MARTIN NO!

(Don’t get the joke?  Click here.)

So, uh… what the fucking fuckery fuck, over?

(Image link goes to Jalopnik gallery.  If you, uh, care.  I’m not gonna judge.  Much.)

This is what happens when you let a DBR9 fuck a Smart fortwo.  I just… I… that is wrong.

The ever-wise editariat at Jalopnik points out that “[i]f Aston sells a couple thousand Cygnets, each emitting under 120g/km of CO2, that’s a hell of a reduction in its fleet emissions”, and I suppose that’s a good enough reason.  Hell, it’s better than the Detroit Three introducing sport-utility vehicles to the same purpose.  But… but…

Great shivery balls, Aston Martin, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

Colin Chapman (pbuh) has shown us the Way: it’s light, light, light, rear-wheel-drive, light, low centre of gravity, light, light, stiff in chassis, light, and somewhat lacking in extraneous mass.  (I’m just gonna ignore that whole de Dion axle thing.  Hey, he was designing a kit car.  I’ll also note that the Ford Fucking Mustang has yet to catch up in most every model.)  Aston Martin, for the love of low polar moments of inertia and all else that is holy, please give us a slightly downsized Vertigo Streiff with a Vantage grin, dimensioned to whatever gets you the mileage you want out of the engines you have.  You make sports cars, remember?

On the other hand, I now have a strangely compelling urge to take a Smart fortwo apart, weld in a rollcage, a proper fuel cell, and a Hayabusa motor, and somehow make it a track car.  It helps that I don’t have (a) a garage, (b) a welder, (c) a budget, or (d) a Smart fortwo, so I’m unlikely to actually embark upon this idiotic quest… but the seed has been planted.  And I only want to do it to embarrass the fuck out of this travesty of an automobile.

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7 Responses to “OH ASTON MARTIN NO!”


  1. December 17, 2009 at 00:44

    Not being a gearhead my response was entirely esthetics-based. My train of thought went something like this:

    “Oh, cool, Cooper has finally added some modern to the retro-modern look of the mini… wait… is that an Aston-Martin badge? THE FUCK?????”

    Mind you, it’s not a bad looking car. But it sure as felching hell shouldn’t be an AM.

  2. 2 aczarnowski
    December 17, 2009 at 08:06

    That car is negatively inspirational.

  3. 4 kbiel
    December 17, 2009 at 08:53

    At least with John Ringo you have the possibility of enjoying the train wreck unfolding before your eyes. This is just going to be a cluster from the word go.

    Potential Buyer: Why should I pay 32 grand for a Smart fortwo?
    Sales Man: Our road-side assistance is unique in that they are trained to use and carry the “Jaw of Life”.

  4. December 17, 2009 at 14:19

    It has a FACE. I can’t unsee its FACE. And it’s a vaguely sinister face at that.

  5. 7 Steve Witham
    December 18, 2009 at 00:59

    So… a bonbon-sized piece of Aston Martin aesthetic for existing Aston Martin customers. This is like having an age-regressed Hot Wheels version of your sports car, or a VW bug-based kit car, or an injection-molded pedal version for your kid, except, get this, you can actually get in and drive it around. A perfect ride to posh eco-charity dinners. It just seems win-win all around, I don’t see the problem.


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