11
May
09

Miscellaneous Monday motorsports mumblings, vol. 15

Dear Ferrari: what the fuck is wrong with you?

Okay, Sepang qualifying I can kind of understand: between KERS and slicks it’s kind of hard to figure out how fast people are going to be at the end of the first qualifying session from old data, so you kept Massa in at the end of the session and he didn’t make it out of Q1.  But then you do it again in Catalunya?  Sloppy, Maranello, sloppy.

And short-filling Massa by a lap or so?  Massa is a bloody good driver, and I’m impressed with the development of the F60, but if you don’t quit fucking the dog on the pit wall (see also “rain tires in Malaysia”) there’s going to be a lot of rosso corso blood running in the streets.  How the hell did that happen?

Is this a matter of Michael Schumacher trying to out-Ross Brawn Ross Brawn?  Look, Michael Schumacher is the greatest living race car driver — possibly the greatest race car driver ever — but this is madness.  (I have no idea whether Mr. S is actually making any of these calls on Ferrari’s pit wall — it’s pure idle speculation on my part, and quite likely unfair.  This editorial opinion is worth what you paid for it.)

Seriously, though: that was an epic race from Massa, easily on par with his performance at Interlagos last year, and as a Formula One fan I’m personally offended that you threw it the fuck away.

——

While I’m text-messaging blowjobs to Formula One drivers: this year has made me an unabashed Lewis Hamilton fan.  He’s had one of the slowest cars on the grid, and he’s consistently finished way higher than he ought to have.  Institutionally, McLaren have rogered the rottie in different but dismayingly equivalent ways to Scuderio Ferrari, yet Hamilton’s come out with far more points than his team deserves.

What I will say to McLaren’s credit is that they haven’t humiliated themselves in the same manner as Renault by bitching and moaning about the new regulations.  (And yes, Fernando Alonso is doing spectacularly well for the car that his team’s given him.  But then again, he’d probably have had two more World Driver’s Championships if Flavio Briatore could put as much effort into building a top-notch car of his own as he has into bitching about other teams’ top-notch cars.)

——

Finally, the idea of an RB5 with an Adrian Newey-designed high-volume diffuser both terrifies and excites me.  If Adrian Newey and Sebastian Vettel don’t win the WDC this year with the RB5, they’ll do it next year.  (Secret message to Flavio Briatore: Given that Adrian Newey’s showing you up with a “less advanced” car than the R29 — neither has a high-volume diffuser, but only your car has KERS — you desperately need to shut the fuck up and get some better guys in the CFD lab.)

——

Previously I’ve decried the rise of four-door so-called “Grand Touring” cars from the likes of Porsche and Lamborghini.  Well, the Maserati Quattroporte (seems that if you say something as outrageously dull as “four-door” in Italian, it starts to sound sexy) is gunning for the top of my “fuck-you” list with this beast:

Superstars_Maserati_QP

Well… it’s not awful.  I have to say, Maserati did a good job of making a car that looks about as fast — and as boring — as the BMW E39.  Even the trident in the middle of the grille makes it look like they were trying to scam the BMW touring-car “mystique”, such as it is.  This car looks like an M3 GTR that’s eaten a bit too much pasta.

——

Previously, I remarked that I’d love to see the Jaguar XKR hooning around a road course with a bigass splitter, a roof-height wing, and white-and-purple Silk Cut livery.  Well, I’m still waiting on the livery, but Rocketsports have stepped up and given us this badass:

…I’ll be in my bunk.


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